Love and Devotion
by Moonysgirl79
Summary: Follow the story of Remus Lupin how he falls in love and overcomes the problems that come with being a werewolf! Watch as he avoids his feelings, admits them, and then how he copes with the loss of a loved one in this story of Love and Devotion.
1. Feelings of the Heart

He walked around the corner and there she was, leaning against the wall, chatting away to Sirius as though there was nothing wrong, but when she attempted a smile he could see the smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

He had not been prepared for this chance encounter and it came as a shock, seeing her after not having the chance to prepare himself for it.

She looked over all of a sudden, as if sensing his presence, and met his gaze. He smiled weakly but a pained expression passed over her face and he lowered his gaze, feeling a wave of disappointment when she simply looked away.

He could read her like an open book, he always had been able to and so he knew that she was mad. He had also noticed that the usual sparkle in her eyes was missing and all he could see was sadness and the faint trace of tears on her face, even from this distance.

He was so ashamed of the pain he was causing her but it was the only way he could escape hurting her later on. He could tell that she did not want him to see her upset and that was when he knew.

Looking at her stood in front of him, he knew. He knew that he loved her with all his heart but he did not wish to hurt her. He did not want to cause her more pain than he already had. He had tried not to fall for her but he had and he'd fallen hard, and now he was paying for it. He knew he should never have let her get so close to him, or him to her for that matter, because now both of them were hurting. He had worked hard to try and block out these feelings but seeing her there so unexpectedly, they all came rushing back and he realised he could fall again. That being with her was what made him happiest and he couldn't deny it. Maybe the reason he couldn't get her out of his head was because she was simply supposed to be there. He knew, now, that he loved her and he knew that he had to walk away to stop himself falling for her once again, so that he would not hurt her any more

Looking at her again he turned and walked away, wondering if he would ever be able to make up for the pain he had caused her

Hayley looked away from Sirius as she sensed someone looking at her. She looked down the corridor to see Remus standing there staring at her with the saddest expression on his face. She did her best to feel nothing, failed miserably, but felt slightly better for the attempt all the same.

She turned round to carry on her conversation with Sirius, not wanting Remus to see how badly he was hurting her and praying that he would not be able to tell she had only recently stopped crying.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw him turn and walk away. Another missed opportunity, another chance at fixing all the things that had gone wrong walked away from her. Her eyes welled up with tears she refused to shed. If just seeing him fifty feet away was painful, she was dreading facing him in the common room later that evening. Maybe she would spend the night in her own common room instead. Glad for the first time in a while that she had been placed in Ravenclaw rather than Gryffindor, with the rest of her friends. She turned back to Sirius, trying to put on a brave face.

They had met in their fifth year and hit it off ever since. He was like her surrogate big brother and after two years of intense friendship Sirius easily saw through the mask she was trying to wear. He hugged her and she hugged him back gratefully before taking a step back.

It was late one night the previous week and Hayley had been in the Gryffindor common room with her friends and the Marauders. She had a test the next day and thought that being up all night messing around with her friends was not the best of ideas. She stood up.

"I'm going to head back to my dorm, guys. It's getting late and I can't have you lot keeping me up all night," she explained to them.

It had become a habit for one of the Marauders to walk her back as it was becoming more dangerous because of the Slytherins prowling the corridors. Not that she wasn't capable of looking after herself, the guys were just overprotective, so to save them the trouble she often stayed in the Gryffindor dormitory with the rest of the girls.

"I'll walk you back," said Remus, jumping up and she smiled, having grown accustomed to his company of late. The two of them seemed to be growing closer than before.

Remus picked up the invisibility cloak in case of an emergency and they left together, chatting happily. They continued in this way for some time, both had their wands out at the ready, Remus' was pointed straight ahead whereas Hayley was twirling her own around her fingers, that was until she dropped it.

Hayley stopped and stooped down to pick up her wand, not realising Remus had done the same. They both reached for it and their hands brushed, theirs eyes met and an odd silence ensued. Remus let go of the wand and they both stood up together. Hayley looked back into his eyes, he was a whole head taller than her.

The corridor was eerily quiet until Hayley broke the silence. "You needn't have bothered to walk me back you know. I'm quite capable of looking after myself. It's late and it's out of your way. I keep telling you that you shouldn't bother," she babbled quickly, to cover up the silence she was beginning to find uncomfortable.

She lowered her gaze to look at her feet but her head snapped upwards again when he answered her back. "I know you can look after yourself. Has it never crossed your mind that I might just enjoy your company?"

His gaze met hers and she tried to look away but he put his hand to her face, making her meet his gaze. _He's going to kiss me_ she thought, and hoped he would. Things had been nice between them lately.

He was still just looking at her.

He was about to kiss her. He knew it, and didn't feel he would be be able to stop himslef. He didn't even know if this was what she wanted, though it was certainly what he would like. She looked gorgeous in the faded light, her pale blue eyes glittering in the wand light sent a pang through his stomach. He had been feeling this a lot lately, at every little thing she did, her smile, her laugh. He loved it all.

He cut himself off. What was he saying? He knew that as soon as things became serious he would have to tell her, and what if she didn't like what she heard? What if she didn't like him at all? He felt nervous all of a sudden and his hands grew slightly clammy. _If I kiss her now, things become serious, and then when I tell her, it will only make things worse. I don't think I can do this to her. Put her through so much trouble. I can't bring myself to hurt her. She deserves better than this._

He dropped his hand from the side of her face. "Hayley, I… " But he stopped. He didn't know what to say. There was no way he could explain it without telling her. He did not want to see the look of disgust on her face that he so often received. He would sooner be a friend, than nothing at all.

She swallowed. "I'll be okay from here, " she whispered, not quite meeting his gaze. He was not sure what was wrong, but he knew it wasn't right. Hayley wanted to take the chance to think a little on her own, before facing the people in her common room.

"You sure?" he asked, though not sure he'd be able to continue walking her back anyway. He was scared of what might be said.

She simply nodded in return and walked the rest of the way down the corridor. She could feel his gaze on her back the whole way but as she reached the corner she saw, out of the corner of her eye, him turn and walk away, back towards his own common room.

Remus pretended to turn away. He wouldn't let her know it, but there was no way on earth that he would let her walk back on her own. He swung the invisibility cloak over himself and followed her down the corridors, not making a sound.

He was almost upon her when she stopped. She took a deep breath and he watched her angrily brush away her tears. He turned away, not wanting to see the pain he was already causing yet trying so hard to avoid. He knew he had made the right decision. He heard her mutter the password and as she disappeared out of sight he started the slow walk back to the Gryffindor common room. He had a feeling things wouldn't quite be the same.

He had been right to a certain degree, but he had not anticipated this. This was hell.

"Remus hates me," Hayley stated, returning to the present. Sirius looked at Hayley, shocked by the sudden outburst. He wasn't sure what had happened between the two of them, but he knew it was serious. Neither of the pair were their usual selves. It was putting a dampener on things, so much so that even Peter had picked up on the tense atmosphere.

"Of course he doesn't hate you," Sirius replied, still in shock at the strength of Hayley's conviction, but sure it was simply a misunderstanding.

She blushed, Sirius noticed, a faint tinge of red colouring her cheeks. "Then why wouldn't he kiss me?" she added, much more quietly.

"He wouldn't?" asked Sirius, who was clearly as confused as Hayley, but doing as best he could to hide it. It was fairly obvious to him, and everyone else, that Moony liked Hayley. He watched her shake her head, trying to hold back her tears once again.

Hayley looked up at Sirius to see the love and concern in his face, which seemed only to make things worse. A single tear rolled down her face. "I think I love him, Sirius," she whispered miserably. All of sudden she broke into floods of tears. Saying aloud what she felt had only made her feel worse, as though the situation was suddenly more real.

Sirius pulled her into a tight hug once more, only slightly unnerved by the tears. He did not like to see her hurt and silently vowed to have words with the equally smitten Moony. Sirius would put things right again and things would go back to how they were meant to be. 

A Remus/OC romance. How will Remus cope with the feelings he has had for a while? When the opportunity to take things further arises will he take it, or shy away? How will a chance encounter affect the character we love?

"You can always close your eyes to the things you don't want to see, but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel."


	2. Afraid of Falling

It was late one night towards the beginning of February and Remus and Hayley had not been talking properly for about a month. There had been polite conversations consisting of "hellos" and "goodbyes" and some of the most interesting conversations about the weather to have taken place in a long time, but both avoided meaningful conversation. It was obvious to anyone looking in that they missed each other dearly but the two refused to see it. Remus did not wish to hurt Hayley and she in turn did not want to suffer the humiliation of what happened that dreadful night returning from the Gryffindor common room.

She spent most nights in her own dorm and the rest of her friends complained about not seeing her as much, but Remus hadn't said a word. One night in the first week of not speaking, when Hayley had been in the Gryffindor common room, she found herself wishing to return to her own common room as she had been finding it uncomfortable and was not enjoying herself as much as she usually did.

She had stood up and announced to everyone in general that she needed to go back to her common room. It hadn't been that late. Sirius had replied absentmindedly, "The girls will walk you back." He had been preoccupied. It was a full moon that night. He glanced up and saw the look of disappointment on her face and shot a surreptitious glance at Remus, James and Peter. James gave him a look that said he would walk her back if Sirius wanted him too. Sirius turned back to Hayley and said, "Okay, I'll take you," but again she looked disappointed.

"I wanted Remus to walk me back," she had muttered quietly in response to Sirius unasked question. He was wondering what the hell was going on. Remus looked up at her gravely and caught her eye for the briefest of seconds before turning away again.

Sirius looked at Hayley curiously and, trying to lighten the mood that was seeming to settle over the group, he said, "Rejected for Moony, that's a new one!" but saw the look on Hayley's face and went on, "Moony's a bit busy at the moment Hayls, come on, I'll take you back." He stood up and at that moment decided that he would find out what had happened between Hayley and Remus.

That was what Remus was thinking about as he was walking back from an outing with the other marauders. He couldn't believe how different things were between them and wished the night last month had never occurred. They were on the way back to their common room and were nearing the library. It was late and no one was in the corridors. His friends were laughing loudly at something or other but Remus found himself unable to concentrate. He was missing her so much.

They reached the library and Remus automatically glanced in out of habit but was shocked when he saw Hayley in there. He stood still but the others carried on walking a few feet until they realised that Remus wasn't following them. They turned to see where he was and saw him looking into the library, a mixed expression on his face.

"She looks so peaceful, innocent," he whispered to himself, almost inaudibly. This did not stop his friends picking up on his words in the deserted corridor. They exchanged glances before Remus said louder this time, addressing the group, "Don't you think one of you should tell her she needs to get back to the common room? Padfoot?"

"Nope. If you want to tell her something, you tell her yourself. I am not playing messenger here, and neither are the others," he adds as Remus started to ask James instead.

"Moony, surely it'll do the two of you good to talk?" put in James, and as though the matter was settled, the three of them turned and carried on down the corridor, leaving Remus to stand in bewilderment.

"Guys, we can't just leave her, she'll get in trouble."

"You're right, you can't," laughs Sirius, and so Remus was left alone in the corridor and turned to face the library entrance.

She was sat at a desk in the middle of the otherwise empty library; the librarian had clearly left her to her studying. Piles of books surrounded her and scraps of screwed up parchment littered the desk; she hadn't been able to concentrate either. Her head was on the table and it looked as though she had fallen asleep.

Remus looked at her and saw everything he loved. She had been working hard, he had noticed, and so was not surprised that she had fallen asleep at the table. He would have laughed, except he was not yet sure he was going to wake her, and didn't want to upset her if he did.

He walked as silently as possible towards the desk at which she was laid. He stood above her and watched her sleep. He knew that his feelings had not gone away and had the strange urge to lean down and kiss her gently on the forehead, but he restrained himself. It would be slightly odd, as they weren't even speaking properly yet.

Instead he knelt down beside her and gently touched her arm in an attempt to wake her without startling her too much, though he had the feeling that him simply being there would startle her.

She slowly woke up and stretched a little after having been bent over the desk. Upon her noticing Remus' presence, a strange look passed over face; she was clearly a little confused as to why he was there. "Remus?" she questioned. He simply nodded in reply, not trusting his voice yet. "What are you doing here?" she asked him.

" Well, we were coming back from…I mean, I was just passing and saw that you were asleep and figured you'd be here all night, hunched over the desk, if someone didn't wake you," he babbled, a little unnerved by her expression. She looked quite hurt, and also little embarrassed about being found asleep.

"I would've woken up and gone back to the common room. There was no need for you to stop, I would have been fine." Hayley didn't want Remus to think that she was incapable of looking after herself, though truth be told, it had been a little foolish to fall asleep in the library so late, and she was glad they were at least talking now.

"I know, but to be honest, when I saw you, you looked so peaceful and it made me realise…" He cut himself off. He could not say what he had been about to; it would lead to places he didn't want to go. He tried to convince himself it was for her own good, and that he wasn't just scared of the unknown.

Hayley got the feeling that what he had been about to say was important. But he would not take the leap. He was afraid. Of what, she didn't know, but she was scared too. Scared of losing an important friendship. She would not let him just walk away, not this time.

"You're a coward," she stated furiously. "I don't know what's wrong with you, but I know that you're a coward. What's so hard about admitting that you might have feelings for me? Is it that they won't be reciprocated? Because I can assure you that they are. I don't know why it's so hard for you to get close to anyone, but you won't even try. I'm scared too Remus, scared of losing our friendship, but has it never occurred to you that what we might have could be so much better? If you're afraid to fall, you'll never learn to fly." She took a deep breath and bit her lip nervously. She glanced up at his face, saw his stunned expression and looked back down at her feet, all in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, as though he had come to a decision, he took two steps forward and easily closed the distance between them. He stood looking down at her in silence, and Hayley began to get nervous. What was he going to do? She could feel his breath tickling her neck and shivered slightly, though she was not cold. She lifted her head defiantly to meet her gaze, no longer scared, but excited. In that moment, he cupped her face in his hands, leant down slowly and kissed her tentatively, briefly, on the lips. She did not step back or turn her head. Encouraged, he kissed her again, deeply this time, sending her week at the knees. She wrapped her arms loosely around his neck and kissed him back.

When they paused, Remus felt her lips break into a smile underneath his own. "Don't i ever /i call me a coward again." She nodded gently and he took a step back, taking hold of her hand at the same time. He pulled her gently towards him and started to lead the way back to the Gryffindor common room. "I don't think we'll ever hear the end of this," he laughed quietly and she smiled again. She was so happy she was speechless.

And so they set off towards the Gryffindor common room. Remus felt sure that his friends would be waiting for him to get back. The whole gang would be stunned when they found out what had happened, and angry that they'd missed it.

There was still the matter of Remus' furry little problem, but they would cross that bridge when they got to it.


	3. Love's Not Time's Fool

"Ouch, Lily, that hurt," Hayley whined, rubbing her head where the pillow had hit.

"No it didn't. It's a pillow. If you don't get up i now /i you are going to be late, because I for one, am not going to wait with you!" Hayley did as she was told reluctantly, grumbling all the way to the bathroom. "I'm still not sure how you get away with staying here overnight. In the common room, during the day, I can understand, but spending the night?" Lily continued.

"Yeah, well, I'm not too sure myself to be honest. They might not know I do." Lily snorted, "Or maybe they just turn a blind eye because I am such a wonderful student in every other aspect. It's not as though I'm changing house or anything; I like being a Ravenclaw. It might be because they prefer me stopping to wandering the corridors late on my own with all the trouble with the Slytherins and Death Eaters," Hayley shouted back over her shoulder on the way to the shower.

"Why are you so tired anyway?" Lily asked conversationally. " You're normally fine in a morning unless you go to bed after half twelve. So why were you up so late?" she asked, easily coming to a conclusion after knowing Hayley for so long.

"I was just up later than usual, that's all." Lily looked at her questioningly and Hayley carried on, whilst stepping into a shower cubicle. She explained through the door, "I was waiting for Remus. I have no idea where he went. I really needed to ask him something so I was waiting for him to get back from wherever he went, but I waited until gone one and even the Marauders don't stay out that late on a school night, so when they weren't back I started to worry. I mean, where could they have gone? What can there possibly be to do that late at night? Walk around outside in the moonlight until one o' clock? I think not. There is obviously something going on. Thinking about it, surely you know. James tells you everything, and I mean i everything /i , so if there was something going on, you'd know. Come on Lil, you can tell me," she added persuasively, turning the shower off and emerging from the cubicle fully dressed.

"No, I can't. I promised I wouldn't say. It's completely up to Remus to tell you," she answered defiantly.

Hayley however, smirked. "So there is something going on, and you do know," she laughed, knowing she'd caught Lily out.

"Hayley, I'm not going to tell you. You're clever; work it out if you want. Or better yet, ask him yourself. If he trusts you, he'll tell you."

"Well, at least now I know. There's definitely something going on, you know, the Marauders know. It's about Remus, and if he trusts me, he'll tell me. In that case I'll just ask him. We've known each other for years now, how can he not trust me?" she asked, not really expecting an answer. She thought back anyway, in an attempt to work it out herself.

And then it hit her. She sat down slowly on the edge of her bed, trying to remain clam. She thought back to his disappearances, which occurred pretty much every month, the time in Defence Against the Dark Arts when his Boggart had changed into a small, glowing orb, the fact that he was ill so often. It all made sense now and she was surprised she hadn't worked it out sooner.

"Oh God," she breathed, "Poor Remus. Surely there's something we can do, something to make him better?"

"Hayley, you should know better than anyone that nothing can be done to cure werewolf bites." She pulled a sympathetic face and pulled her friend into a hug. She shook her head. "I should have kept my mouth shut. I shouldn't have said a word."

It was at this point the anger set in. i How could he keep such a thing from me, and for all these years? I thought he trusted me. How could he tell everyone else but me? And putting all that pressure on Lily and the others not to tell anyone. /i Then she understood Snape's snide comments to her, whispered in the corridors when no one was looking or listening. i Even Snape knows, /i she thought with disgust.

Lily sat still and watched her friend in silence. She could see the hurt and turmoil in her eyes, and just for a second, wanted Remus to be here to see the pain he was causing, but thought better of it; he had already been through so much. Everyone had told him he should tell her before she found out herself, and now she had. Lily pulled Hayley up and dragged her towards the staircase. They couldn't miss lessons, but Lily was dreading the rest of the day. Things were going to be awkward.

"Remus, Hayley is going to want to know where you were. You can't keep lying to her. Sooner or later she is going to find out, and when she realises you've been lying to her she will not be happy," Sirius berated Remus once again. It was becoming a regular occurrence yet was not the normal way of things, but Sirius did not want Hayley to get hurt. He was always telling Remus that he should tell her the truth, but Remus always protested.

"That was the understatement of the year," muttered James. None of the Marauders liked lying to Hayley, they were all friends, and friends didn't lie, but it was up to Remus to tell her about his furry little problem.

"I've told you already, I'm not going to tell her. Everything is fine as it is. We get along so well, what's the point in upsetting her? If I tell her the truth, all it is going to do is hurt her." Remus sat down slowly on the edge of his bed. "I am not going to ruin things now. She might hate me for it."

"Remus," growled Sirius warningly. " You have known Hayley since the fourth year. If you still think she is capable of hating anyone, then you don't know her as well as you think you do. She would i never /i hate you for being a werewolf, she might dislike you for lying to her, but she won't hate you, especially for something over which you have no control."

Remus put his head in his hands briefly, thinking, then stood up decisively. "No" was all he said, before heading to the staircase to meet Hayley for breakfast. The others just shook their head in disbelief that he could be so foolish, and followed him towards the staircase.

Remus stood waiting at the bottom of the staircase and watched Hayley walk slowly down the stairs. He could tell she was upset but he wasn't sure why. He didn't think she could have worked it out yet. He looked questioningly at Lily, who shook her head and carried on walking straight past him to greet James.

Hayley stopped by Remus and looked at him. i He doesn't look any different, /i she thought, and then berated herself, of course he wouldn't look any different. Remus bent his head slightly to kiss her good morning, but she turned her head slightly so that he kissed her cheek instead. "Come on," she said quietly, "We're going to be late if we don't hurry."

Remus glanced at her quizzically but shrugged and walked with her out of the portrait hole, heading towards the Great Hall and breakfast. They were a little behind everyone else and so she took the opportunity to ask Remus where he had been the previous night. "Remus, where were you last night?"

i Surely not, /i thought Remus, and decided he'd see if he could get away with lying a little while longer at least. It was for her own good. "I…err…I was at the library late last night, trying to finish my potions essay for this afternoon," he answered, already feeling guilty about lying. "Anyway, you know how there's a dance coming up, at Easter?" she nodded. "Well I was wondering if you'd like to go with me?"

She looked up at him. She couldn't believe he even dared to ask her that after lying to her. Or maybe it was to make up for it. Either way she was putting her foot down, this had to stop. She couldn't carry on, knowing he was lying to her.

"I don't think that's a good idea, Remus," she answered quietly. This was hard. He had no idea how much this was hurting her, just having to say this. "In fact, I think it would probably be best if we split up." She bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying. "I don't think this is working anymore." She took a deep breath and looked at his face to gauge his reaction. He was stunned, but didn't appear too troubled.

"Hayley, I…" he stuttered, too stunned even to speak, but she turned and walked quickly towards the Great Hall. She didn't want to hear more excuses, only the truth.

Remus was left there, alone in the corridor. The others would be eating breakfast by now. He leant against the wall and sank to the floor, his head in his hands. Somehow, he had ruined everything. He had distanced himself from the one person he had loved and who had loved him back, and now he had lost her. He didn't know whether she knew what he was, or whether it was something else, but either way he knew it was his fault she was upset, everything was always his fault somehow. He pressed the heel of his hands into his eyes, to stop unwanted tears. He should have known this would happen. What gave him the right to think that things would go well for a change? Who was he to think that he might actually have a happy future with someone he loved?

He made to stand up and was about to take a steady walk back to the Gryffindor tower before class to try and regain his composure when he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He looked up to see Sirius approaching and quickly tried to put on a brave face.

"Hey," Sirius said when he reached Remus, "what happened? Hayley came down to the great hall and went to sit at the Ravenclaw table. Alone. What did you do? And why are you still up here?"

"Actually Sirius, it was her. She said she didn't think it was working anymore and that she thought we should split up. She then stormed down the corridor without giving me a chance to explain," Remus retorted somewhat bitterly.

"Would you have?" Sirius questioned him.

"What do you mean?" Remus frowned, confused.

"Would you have explained to her that you are a werewolf, if she had given you the chance?" Sirius asked, growing angrier as he spoke.

"I … well I … No," he answered firmly, sure he was right in what he said.

"Remus, if you can't trust her, how can you expect her to want to be with you? If I had a girlfriend that was disappearing every month I know what I'd be thinking. Especially if they wouldn't even explain where they were," he said pointedly. He was determined to make Remus see the light. "What you have with Hayley is special, it's what James has with Lily, and I'd give anything to have it myself, yet here you are, throwing it away at the slightest complication. If you can't fight for her, you don't deserve her, because you know damn well that she'd do anything for you." And with that, he walked off back the way he'd come, leaving Remus feeling desolate and ever so slightly in the wrong.

"What have I done?" he asked himself sadly, and walked back to the Gryffindor tower where he would spend the rest of the night in his dormitory, not speaking to a sole.

Hayley spent the day fighting back tears, and trying to convince herself that she had made the right decision. She did not need someone who could not trust her. She had fallen in love with him; she could fall out of love with him, and with this in mind, spent the following weeks endeavouring to prove to herself that she no longer cared about Remus.

The two of them did not speak for weeks until it became necessary for the odd comment to float between them. It made meals and other such social times awkward and their friends were not looking forward to trying to convince them both to go to the dance, whether alone or not.

It was almost as though they had never known each other. The distance between them grew and neither knew the other as well as friends should. Only their friends knew how much it was hurting them. Hayley's tears and Remus' moods became regular events and both spent hours trying to convince others that they were fine, were moving on.

But love's not times fool nor alters when it alteration finds.

Like I said in the summary, read the others first or it won't make as much sense. This takes place at the end of February of their seventh year, as opposed to the previous ones that take place late December and then mid January. Thanks to William Shakespeare for the ending quote and title and JKR for the characters. Please R+R x

Remus and Hayley have been going out for some time, but things get difficult when Hayley begins to understand why Remus disappears once a month. Will a well-kept secret shatter the foundations of a seven-year friendship? Or will it bring them closer together? Third in a series of one shots following Remus' and Hayley's relationship. It helps if you read the others first, they're not overly long.


	4. Time After Time

She stormed out of the Great hall, walking away from what was supposed to be one of the happiest nights of a girl's life; her prom. She reached the doors to the entrance, tears rolling down her face. She couldn't believe he'd even tried to cover it up by telling her something different instead. i He lied to me again. /i 

She threw open the doors to find it was raining heavily but walked outside anyway, not caring about the weather.

As she stood there crying, the rain got heavier, seeming to echo her mood as her own heart also grew heavier the longer she stood there thinking about what was happening.

She was soaked to the skin and shivering from the cold but she didn't care. Her hair was no longer in perfect curls but looked wet and bedraggled and her dress was ruined yet still she did not care. The only thing she cared about at the minute was inside the hall, still at the dance, and he had just blatantly lied to her.

i She walked into the Great Hall a little late as it had taken a huge amount of persuasion on Lily's half to get her to go on her own. A few people turned to look at her as she walked in. She looked stunning. Her shoulder length, dark chestnut-brown hair was curly in contrast to its natural straightness and her glasses had been exchanged for contact lenses. She was wearing a little enhancing makeup and her dress robes were pale blue, contrasting magnificently with her hair.

Remus had looked up when she walked in and his breath caught in his throat. /i She looks so beautiful, i he thought. /i She doesn't even look as if she cares anymore. i He stood up slowly and Hayley watched him approach from the other side of the hall. She had come here in hope of an apology, and the truth, but whether she would get it, she did not know.

When he reached her he stood in silence for a while, they had not talked properly for some time and it was hard to know where to begin. "I…you look…" He sighed. Words could not describe how she looked, or how he was feeling. "Would you like to dance?" he asked quietly, scared she would not accept his offer. "I think we need to talk. We haven't been doing much of it lately."

Hayley nodded and together, they silently walked over to the dance floor, not quite touching, but when the music slowed, he had no choice but to take her in his arms. It was that or watch her walk out of his life, and he had a feeling that if he let her walk away, she wouldn't be coming back.

He pulled her into him, never wanting to let her go, and yet still found himself unable to tell her what he was. He did not want to lose her; he simply could not bring himself to hurt her.

She felt his heart racing in his chest and looked up at him questioningly. He smiled slightly and began to speak quietly of what she thought would be the truth. "I'm sorry I haven't told you sooner, but I will now. You know I trust you, and I'm sorry it's made things so difficult, but I didn't want you to get upset." He took a deep breath, "My Grandmother, she's been ill-" Hayley cut him off. She stumbled backwards a few steps. Worried, Remus asked, "Hayley, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she retorted. "Nothing at all. I don't know why I even tried again. I should have known there was no point in it," she added more quietly, almost to herself. With that, she had turned and walked away, slowly at first, but beginning to get more upset and angry, her pace increased until she was almost running away from him. She did not think she would ever want to go back. /i 

She grew angrier and sank to the floor with tears streaming down her face as the weight of her sadness pressed down upon her.

"I can't believe I even thought he was going to tell me the truth," she whispered, angry with herself. "I can't believe I let him get to me like this. Why won't he just trust me?" she questioned.

She was sat on the ground getting wetter when a shadow fell over her and wondering whom it was she stood up and whirled around ready to confront whoever it was. As she did so she began, "If you've come to laugh you can piss off!" she muttered furiously, expecting to see some Slytherin or other standing behind her.

He almost wanted to laugh for it was not very often she swore, but the seriousness of the situation weighed down upon him and he stayed silent, stood there. She had stopped in her tracks when she saw who it was.

She felt her heart skip a beat at the sight of him. There he was, stood in front of her, tall and dripping wet from the rain, with water falling from his sandy, brown hair and running down onto his face. The one person she had not expected to follow her out here, yet the one person that could stop the pain she was feeling.

But he had hurt her enough already. i I'm sick of his lies /i she thought, and made to leave. She had heard enough tonight already, but as she walked quickly past him he caught her wrist and whirled her around to face him once again.

"Hayley, please? At least hear me out."

She tried to pull her arm out of his grasp but his grip was tight and he would not let her leave. i I'm not letting her walk out on me again, /i he assured himself.

"Remus, you've had more than enough opportunities to tell me what happened, but you either lie or don't speak at all. I appreciate the fact that you don't have to tell me everything, but you clearly don't trust me. I don't have important secrets to share with you and I can't see a way of showing you that you can trust me. Why can't you see that you have to, of your own accord?"

"Hayley, it's not about trust, its just that-" He sighed sadly. "My God. Everything was so perfect before and now I've ruined it."

"It was?" she asked. "Perfect, I mean."

He hesitated, staring at her through the rain. "Wasn't it? I kind of thought it was," he answered, not sure if he should be going down this road at such a time. There were so many ways in which this could go wrong.

For a moment she could feel herself wavering and she could see how easy it would be for things to fall back to the way they were; him missing half the time, with no explanation as to why, but she could not allow that to happen. There were some things that just had to be said.

"Remus?"

He looked up to meet her gaze but did not say anything.

"Where do you disappear to every month?"

"Hayley, you know I can't tell you. I wish I could, its just that-" She cut him off.

She ploughed on regardless. "Why is it that once a month you appear to be so ill you can hardly stand and have hardly the energy to do anything?"

He simply looked down at his feet, no longer having the courage to meet her gaze. He was scared about what he might see in her eyes. "Its… I don't know. It's just complicated."

"It's obviously not that complicated. You've told everyone but me," she snapped back, clearly getting angrier at his refusal to share his problems.

He winced and it was clear that he did not think she had realised everyone else knew what was wrong.

"Not everyone knows, Hayley," he tried to assure her.

"Anyone of any importance then, including Snape, and yet you won't tell me," she retorted, hurt.

"There are things in my life… It's hard for me." He shook his head resignedly, "You wouldn't understand."

"Remus, you haven't even given me a chance," she spluttered exasperatedly.

"I can't tell you Hayley, you have to face it. I just can't."

He had been cruel and he knew it. He instantly regretted what he had said. He began to apologise but stopped as he saw her expression. He had pushed her too hard.

A look of disgust had fallen across her face and she pulled her arm out of his grasp. She had forgotten he was still holding her wrist, it had seemed such a familiar gesture that she had quickly overlooked it, but now the sting of his touch made her wrench her arm free of his grasp and that more than anything else was what made him want to tell her. The fact that she could no longer bear his touch was too much for him. He looked down at her and knew what he was going to say. His mind felt the clearest it had in a long time.

"I'm a werewolf," he said quietly and looked away from her, not wanting to see the disgust he had seen taint her face only seconds before. She could see it was costing him dearly to tell her this.

"Remus I know. I've known for a while," she whispered, tears still rolling down her face. A look of confusion fell across his face, which he covered quickly in hope she hadn't seen but he was not so lucky.

"Oh come on Remus. Don't underestimate me. I'm perfectly capable of working it out. It wasn't exactly hard with your monthly disappearances." She spoke furiously. She had hit him hard and she could tell.

"I think I suspected that you did, but didn't want to admit it, the chance that it might drive you away scared the life out of me. How long have you known? And why didn't you say anything?" he asked gently, still not meeting her eye.

"I didn't say anything because I needed you to tell me yourself, Remus, to know you could trust me, with anything. I realised what was going on the morning after the full moon in February," she paused and looked at Remus as comprehension dawned on his face.

"The day we stopped speaking. You asked…" He shook his head at his own stupidity. "It was the first time you ever asked where I'd been. I thought you didn't even realise."

"How could I not notice that you go missing once a month? Along with the form your Boggart took in Defence Against the Dark Arts, it wasn't hard to put two and two together when I thought about it. I'm not stupid, Remus," she added before continuing. "I waited and waited for you to tell me, for you to trust me, but weeks went by and you didn't say anything." She was still crying and furiously brushed the tears away but still they fell. Her face was wet from the rain and she hoped he couldn't tell she was crying as they stood there with it falling around them.

"We weren't even talking," he put in delicately.

"Only because I knew you'd lied to me. I'm not deaf though, you could still have told me if you had wanted to." She was unbelievably angry with him now. "I thought that you'd tell me when you were ready, but you didn't. You carried on as if I was worth nothing to you. I couldn't see why you wouldn't trust me. Then finally I thought you were going to tell me tonight, but you lied again Remus. You stood there and lied to me again. And now I'm not sure whether I can trust you anymore. What's more, you clearly don't know me that well at all if you think I would have walked away from you, from us, simply because you change into a wolf once a month."

He turned away. He hadn't realised what he had cost her until now. Her trust had meant everything to him and the fact that he had abused it riddled him with guilt.

But she was right of course, and now he realised how foolish he had been in keeping it from her. In thinking that lying would ever have been safer than the truth. Yet here they were with, what was without a doubt, more problems than before.

He started walking towards the door but turned sharply back to face her half way to the Entrance Hall. He would apologise then leave her alone. That way he would not cause her any more pain.

"God, Hayley, I've been so stupid and I can only apologise, but you should know it was never about trust, I'd trust you with my life. I didn't want to hurt you, though I've managed to do that anyway. For what it's worth, I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say. If I'd realised sooner how much I was hurting you already, the things I'd have done differently. You should know that it's been hell without you these past few weeks." He started to walk towards the doors again. "Goodbye Hayley. I suppose I'll see you around.

"Remus, I … you seemed to have been doing fine to me."

This slight hesitation was all the indication he needed. Maybe there was still a chance that she would forgive him. He turned around and started walking purposefully back towards her.

"I wasn't, it was tearing me up inside and I tried not to let it show, but anyone close to me could see how I was feeling. I couldn't concentrate on anything," he answered passionately. i This is my last chance. /i 

Hayley looked down at her feet. "Remus, I'm…"

"Don't even think about apologising. You did nothing wrong."

The gap between them had closed and as he took another step towards her she became painfully aware of the small distance that lay between them. They were nearly touching now and her stomach flipped. She suddenly realised what she must look like having been stood out in the pouring rain, blushed and went to take a step back but he put his arm out towards her waist to keep her stood near him. "I'm sorry I lied, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner." His breath tickled her neck and she shivered.

He looked down at her and this time she met his eyes and up close she could see the difference in him. His face seemed slightly drawn and there were more lines around his eyes and she realised what she had cost him.

Tears were still rolling down her face and Remus wiped them away gently with his thumbs, but didn't remove his hands from her face. When she did not move away from his touch he leant down and kissed her slowly, deeply. She was hesitant at first but slowly leant into his familiar embrace and kissed him back, taking in his familiar scent and silently thanking heaven that he was back. She had missed him.

He pulled away from her and calmly looked down into her eyes. "I'm sorry," he said again. He had missed her too. "You're freezing," he stated, aware that they had been stood out in the rain for some time and that she was only wearing her dress. "Come back inside?" he asked, but Hayley could hear the hidden question is his voice. i Do you forgive me? /i was what he had really wanted to say.

She inclined her head slightly and he took this as acceptance of his apology. He knew that everything would be all right again. He took her hand and she leant slightly against his body for comfort, quickly accustoming herself once more to the familiar shape of his body. He led her back inside. They were together again, as though they had never been apart. The fact that he had come so close to loosing her scared him and he realised how lucky he was to have been forgiven, how lucky he was to have her at all. He squeezed her hand tightly as though to reassure himself that she was really his. She looked up at him and smiled. His heart danced and his stomach flipped with love and the knowledge that everything was back to how it was meant to be.

He would never let her go again.


	5. Days Like This

Remus was sat in the front row of the church, watching as Lily walked down the isle towards James. His hand was gripping Hayley's tightly and he was sweating ever so slightly due to nerves. It wasn't long now until it would be time. He couldn't quite believe that he'd finally decided on what to do.

i Lily and James were getting married in two weeks time, but this had been the only time everyone could get together before the wedding due to Order commitments. The Marauders were sat at the bar, all with drinks in hand, watching the group of girls on the dance floor. They had practically grown up with these girls and it was unbelievable how much they had changed since the first year. They were no longer gangly girls or later, awkward teenagers; they were now all beautiful women, each of them.

As Remus watched, he saw Lily drag Hayley into the middle of the dance floor. The girls were extremely close and this night meant as much to Hayley as it did to Lily. Hayley was no longer the most important person in Lily's life, her best friend. As of tomorrow, that would be James, though it had been a gradual change and Hayley had time to get used to the idea, Remus had still seen how much it was hurting her, yet she was happy for Lily at the same time.

He saw Hayley break into a grin at something Lily had said and watched as a gentle blush rose on her cheeks. She was the most beautiful woman he knew. He loved her, that much was certain, and what more could they possibly need?

The music changed and Hayley walked over to him, still slightly flushed. She smiled one of her dazzling smiles that lit up her whole face, and took a swallow of his drink. He smiled at her and said hesitatingly, wondering if he was about to be dreadfully obvious, "Lily and James getting married, who would have thought it?"

She looked at him quizzically before saying with a hint of sarcasm, "Well, they have been going out some time and they're perfect for each other. I have to say that I for one /i did i think it."

He smiled again and gently shook his head. " So you think that you have to have been going out for ages to get married?" he asked and she nodded in response.

"Oh yes, definitely a year, at the least." Inside, Remus' stomach was performing somersaults. A year? They hadn't being going out any way near a year! In fact it could only be about six months in total. Maybe he was making a mistake.

"And you wouldn't change your mind? For anything?" he asked gently.

"Definitely not," she affirmed. "How can you know each other in less than a year? There would have to be something important to change my mind…" She ground to a halt. Were they really talking about marriage? What if he was going to propose and she had just told him she wouldn't want to get married. /i Okay. Back track. i "Well, you know." She paused. "Maybe not a year. Maybe as long, as you know someone, and get along okay. I think you have to love someone to marry them. That's all you need." She waited with bated breath, wondering if he was about to ask her to marry him, but he simply nodded and stood up. She frowned at his retreating back as he walked towards the bathrooms, leaving her very confused. /i 

Lily turned to face James as he started to speak. "I, James, take you Lily, for my lawful wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do us part." Lily smiled up at him happily and started to say her vows to James. The love between them was there for everyone to see. No one could say that those two didn't love each other with all their hearts.

Watching them, Remus could see how happy they both were, and knew that he was making the right decision. After all their ups and downs, this was the only way forward. They had been through hell and high water to get to where they were and this was the best way of putting it behind them.

Hayley glanced at Remus and flashed a small yet dazzling smile and Remus stomach flipped with anxiety. i I hope I'm making the right decision, /i he thought, knowing how many times he had made the wrong one. Watching Sirius pass the rings, Remus let the memories wash over him.

He thought back to seventh year and how he had begun to push her away once he had realised his feelings, not wanting to hurt her. That had been mistake number one. He thought of taking the leap that night in the library, and yet still not telling her his secret. Mistake number two. He thought of still not telling her the first time she had asked where he had been, the morning in February. Mistake number three. He thought of the Easter dance and of him finally telling her what he was. It had been one of the best nights of his life, and one of the only things he had done right in this relationship, though there had been many happy memories since.

He finally thought of the holidays after seventh year, when he had refused to move in with her. That was his worst mistake. He had been so close to losing her, but he had not wanted her to see what he really was. There was a huge difference between knowing and seeing. He also couldn't trust himself not to hurt her once he had changed. Thankfully, they had sorted it out and came to a compromise and moved in together a week after she had threatened to leave him, for good.

From then until now, everything had been wonderful. They had been completely happy and he could not quite believe that he was about to upset the balance again.

Little did he realise that Hayley had a surprise of her own that could just as easily upset the balance, whether he asked her to marry him or not.

center /center 

The congregation rose as Lily and James walked back down the isle and out into the courtyard. The ceremony was over and now it was time. He pulled Hayley closer to him and followed Sirius outside, closely followed by Peter.

Lily and James were having their photo taken and so Remus led Hayley to the side in order to ask her of her intentions, without her realising what was happening. "Hayley, did you mean what you said about only needing love to get married?"

She looked at him, autumn sunlight shining behind him, lightening his light brown hair. He smiled slightly and her stomach flipped. Remus was not the typical attractive male, but that smile made something inside her dance. He was taller than her and stood by him she felt safe. Looking at his face she saw all the familiar things about him that she loved, the tiny scar next to his mouth, the hollow at the base of his neck and his deep hazel eyes shining down into her own. She saw in him all the things she loved, and unable to resist, she stood on her toes and leant towards him, kissing him lightly on the mouth before settling back on her feet and looking at him intently. He raised his eyebrows at her quizzically and she remembered that she was meant to be answering something. "Marriage?" he prompted a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

Their conversation from two weeks ago had hardly left her thoughts, but he had not brought it up again so she had assumed he was probably just making conversation, now, however, she was suspicious. She nodded slowly, indicating to him that she had meant what she had said, not at all sure what was coming next, but all he did was nod in return and walk back to the congregation in the main courtyard. She watched his muscles ripple slightly under his shirt as he moved away and with a rush of emotion, she followed, slightly bewildered. i What on Earth had that been about? /i 

She returned to the courtyard to find everyone getting ready to throw the bouquet. This was her least favourite part of the ceremony; girls clamouring around, trying to catch a bunch of flowers. She was not the superstitious type. She stood at the edge of the crowd where she wouldn't be jostled and watched as the girls scrambled about in order to find the perfect spot, eagerly awaiting the moment Lily would release the bouquet.

She watched as Lily glanced quickly at Remus, who was making his way towards the gathering of girls. Lily then looked at Hayley, smiled briefly, and threw the bouquet right at her. Hayley couldn't have missed if she'd tried.

As she felt her fingers clasp around the flowers, she felt herself go red as Sirius began laughing and shouted jokingly at Remus with a grin, "She's got you there mate, now you'll have to marry her."

Hayley jumped slightly as Remus dropped a delicate kiss on her shoulder. She hadn't realised he was so close behind her and she quickly spun around to face him, blushing furiously. She would kill Lily and Sirius. "I…you don't have…he was only joking," she stuttered, embarrassed beyond belief.

Remus however, smiled slightly and excruciatingly slowly, bent down on one knee and reached into his jacket. i Oh god, /i she thought, as Sirius stopped smiling, obviously he hadn't thought he was going to be taken seriously, and Lily broke into knowing grin. She had been set up.

"Hayley, if I had to wait a year, or even five, then I would." He paused as he opened the box in his hand and she saw a diamond ring glittering in the faint sunlight. There was complete silence. "I love you with all my heart and I hope that one day, sooner rather than later, you'll do me the honour of marrying me." He smiled nervously at her shocked expression.

She was too stunned to speak. i He wants to marry me! /i Her throat was tight and she could hardly speak. She swallowed and broke into a grin. She nodded. "Yes," she affirmed. He stood up and took a step towards her, taking her hand as he did so. He took the ring from its box and slid it onto her finger. It was a perfect fit. He kissed her slowly on the mouth, pouring his love into her.

center /center 

i Okay. Don't panic, /i she thought. i He's going to marry you; of course he isn't going to be angry. He should be happy. Hopefully. /i The night so far had been wonderful. They had walked hand in hand round the corner to the reception, where they had eaten and danced in a bubble of happiness, but she had to tell him now, before he couldn't make up his own mind about marry her. i He has to have the choice. /i 

The music was playing loudly, but not so loud that conversations couldn't be heard. They were dancing together to the music when Hayley decided she could wait no longer. She took a deep breath. "Remus, I have something to tell you." She looked at him and thought back to how happy they had been earlier. They had never even talked about this so there was no telling what his reaction would be. This could be the last time they were happy together.

Remus watched as Hayley took another deep breath and an anxious expression settled itself on her face. i She looks as though she's going to cry, /i Remus thought and panic set in, as well as the urge to protect her from whatever it was that was hurting her. Maybe she didn't want to marry him after all. He had noticed that she seemed a little distracted of late but she had seemed happy when she had agreed to marry him. He had no idea what could possibly be wrong. i Surely it's nothing to do with me, /i he thought. i Not now. /i 

"You may not like it, I have no idea. I completely understand if you don't want to marry me any more, and I realise what an awkward position this is…" she broke off at the look on his face.

He was really worried now. "Hayley," he said seriously. "Just tell me what's wrong. Whatever it is I'm sure we'll sort it out. You can trust me," he said, faintly aware of the irony. "If you don't tell me what's wrong we can't sort it out." Hayley burst into tears. i Sort it out? /i She thought disbelievingly. i This is not the sort of thing you "sort out!" /i 

Remus looked at Hayley, astonished. This was meant to be one of the happiest days of their lives, and she was crying? "Hayley, please, tell me what's wrong." She simply shook her head and bit her lip in an attempt to stop herself crying, as though it didn't matter and made to walk away, but Remus wasn't going to allow her to walk away. He had done it once before and he had sworn to himself then that it would never happen again.

He put an arm out and placed it on her waist. It wasn't a forceful movement but she stopped and turned around, the saddest look on her face, and Remus could have cried for her. He put his hand up to her face and gently tried to wipe away her tears. This small gesture only seemed to upset her more and the tears continued to flow. "I'm pregnant," she sobbed, taking a deep breath as she waited for his reaction.

"What? How?" he asked, unable to think straight after being told this surprising news.

Hayley smiled slightly at this, the tears still slowly falling, unable to resist she said, "Well, Remus, you remember when you and I came back from Paris, and we-"

He cut her off, and smiled feebly. "Okay, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer, I know," he laughed slightly and she looked up into his eyes.

"So?" she asked. "What next?"

"What do you mean what next? Surely you didn't think I'd leave you? Is that why you're crying?" he glanced at her expression and sighed. "Hayley, I know we haven't talked about it but I didn't want to pressure you, and I thought you'd want to wait until we were married at least. So it's a little early than we might have thought, but I'm not going to leave you for that. It's as much my fault as yours," he said with a grin at his feeble attempt at humour. "Did you really think I'd be angry? That I'd leave you on your own?"

She looked sheepish, though slightly relaxed now she knew everything would be all right. "I think it was just because we hadn't talked about it yet and possibly my hormones as well." She sighed. "There are just so many ways in which this could go wrong. We have no idea if the baby will be a werewolf, like you or whether it will be completely normal. I thought you might be angry that I even risked it."

He looked down at her with love in his eyes and pulled her tightly against him. "Come here, you," he whispered, kissing her lightly on the forehead before continuing. "Hayley, i _we /i _ risked it. We knew the risks and we i both /i decided to take them. No matter what this child is like, he will be ours, and we will get through whatever problems we might face together. Understand?"

She took a small step back and looked up at him. The tears had stopped and she was smiling, completely reassured now. "How do you know it's a he?" she teased, laughing.

He looked down at her quizzically and shook his head. "We'll see," he whispered, so that she could just hear him over the music. She smiled again and he pulled her protectively towards him once more. "How far gone?" he asked.

"About two months." She pulled an odd face as though bracing herself for harsh words.

"And when were you going to tell me?" he asked, raising his eyebrows at her.

"Well, I, err…" She looked down at her feet but he put his finger under her chin and gently lifted her head so that she looking at him again. "When I plucked up the courage," she said with a shrug, as though that was perfectly acceptable.

Remus shook his head at her. "When you plucked up the courage? And you called me a coward?"

"I did?" she asked, clearly at a loss as to when this had happened, but he nodded and the memory came rushing back. "I did," she affirmed solemnly, thinking back to that fateful night. "Though in my defence, you kind of were," she teased. Remus swooped down and kissed her forcefully on the mouth, much to the shock of a few onlookers who cheered and whistled.

Hastily collecting herself, Hayley stepped back and stared at him. She was shocked beyond belief. He had never acted like that in front of people before. "Don't look at me like that," Remus laughed. "I told you not to call me that again. You dared me to do it." At that moment, the music changed to a slow track and, still smiling, he pulled her closer.

Slowly, as though not quite believing what he was doing, he placed a hand over her abdomen and looked down at her face with tears of happiness in his eyes. "I love you," he whispered against the top of her head and she shivered with pleasure. Neither of them had ever been happier than they were at that moment.


	6. To Begin Again

The sun was rising and a crumpled figure could be seen walking across the graveyard. He weaved in and out of the graves, seeming to have no route, but simply wondering as though lost in thought. The man's clothes were torn and muddy, hanging loosely around him. The pale sun glinted off his messy hair, illuminating his face and highlighting the hollows that were his eyes. This man had clearly not slept properly for weeks. He seemed to be slowing slightly and eventually came to rest in front of what was clearly a recent grave. His expression changed from one of thoughtfulness to what looked like pain, with a hint of anger in his eyes.

He remembered.

_ i "Hayley, I have to go. It's a full moon tonight so I can't stay here. Are you sure you'll be all right on your own?"_

"_Remus, I'll be fine, I promise," she assured him. "I'm quite capable of looking after myself."_

_He sighed exasperatedly. "I know you are. I just can't believe that you've got to stay on your own, especially with him here."_

"_We've lost so many people Remus. Who else is there? Who else can come and stay with me? They are either busy or dead. They killed Marlene McKinnon's whole family and Dorcas was killed by Voldemort himself. They're picking us off one by one Remus. There is nothing you can do. I'll stay here and guard him. You never know, I might even get something out of him. My Legilimency skills are getting better all the while." She looked Remus in the eye and smiled weakly trying to reassure him that she would be fine on her own, even with the tears that flowed gently down her face, unacknowledged. She was trying to be brave._

_Remus' change had been growing worse of late, and with the constant threat of Voldemort and Death Eaters, things had been tense. He walked slowly towards her and took her in his arms, hugging her tightly, gently resting his chin on top of her head. He felt the slight bump between them that was unnoticeable to everyone but themselves. He knew she was trying to be brave, but all the pain and death was making her miserable. She was no longer her bright, happy self. The sparkle in her eyes was gone. "I love you," he told her, gently touching the small bump at her stomach before taking a step back. "Things will be okay, you know. Eventually everything will be back to normal." _

"_I love you too," she answered, smiling weakly once more. "And I know things will get better, but I miss how things used to be. I don't want our baby to grow up like this."_

"_I know." He smiled in return. "I have to go. I'll come around straight away in the morning. Be careful," he told her and kissed gently her on the lips before turning and walking away. He glanced over his shoulder as he reached the door and smiled at her again before he disappeared from view_

"_You too," she whispered, watching him close the door and hearing the locks click into place. /i _

That had been the last time he had seen her. The last time he had touched her, smelt her, kissed her. He was glad that he had been able to tell her that he loved her one last time. But one last time is never enough. Those words can never describe the feeling, no matter how many times they are said, and so, in the end, you always find yourself wishing for one more time.

He sank to the floor at the foot of her grave and began to cry, as he had often done of late. He hadn't been able to believe what had happened.

i He woke to banging on his cell door. It had been a tough night and he was covered in cuts and scratches. Blood covered the grey walls of the cell. He stumbled towards the door, wondering what could possibly be wrong and his thoughts flitted to Hayley but he dismissed them quickly.

_He opened the door to find Sirius on the other side. His black hair was a mess and his face was covered in smears where it looked as though he had been crying. "Remus," he stuttered, his voice weak. "Remus, you have to come. They found her this morning." _

_At that moment, Remus had felt his heart break. He knew in his heart what Sirius was talking about. He already felt as though a part of him was missing. He knew in his heart that he was not wrong, that he had not misunderstood Sirius' meaning. And yet he could not understand how she could be dead. He had been speaking to her just hours before. He looked to his best friend, looking for clues on his face. He knew he was not joking; this was not the sort of thing one could joke about in these times. He saw the tears start to fall down Sirius face and knew once and for all that it was true. He was too stunned to speak. _

_He scrambled clumsily into his robes and Sirius Apparated silently out of the room. Remus followed suit, knowing instinctively that they would be at the Head Quarters. _

"Remus." Dumbledore had spoken as soon as Remus appeared in the room. Remus looked around and his worse fears were confirmed once more by the looks on everyone's faces. He saw Lily and James sat at the table. Lily was sobbing her heart out at the loss of her best friend and James had his arms around her, resting his chin on top of her head, trying to console his weeping wife whilst trying to hold back the tears himself. "She is dead. I'm sorry," Dumbledore continued quietly, as though saying the words in a whisper would lessen the hurt Remus was feeling. It didn't.

_Remus almost keeled over in pain. Tears fell down his face and he began to sob, his voice growing louder until he was screaming with the pain. Hearing the words out loud only made the situation more real. He could no longer convince himself it was a horrible dream, and that he would wake up soon to find his love next to him. He couldn't tell himself that if he pinched his arm, he would feel no pain, because the words had the same effect, and he had not woken up. He felt as though the pain he was feeling could never be eased. It was too great. He would never be able to wake himself from this nightmare. She was gone. /i _

The idea of never seeing her again had taken some getting used to. It had been over two months now, but Lily had finally convinced him to visit her grave. He had not wanted to come. For him, it felt as though it would be the end. There was an air of finality about the whole thing that he had not been able to come to terms with.

But things with the order were getting serious. He could no longer spend his days sat around doing nothing but remembering and weeping. There were things that had to be done and he could not continue to do his job in this state. Lives were at risk.

He was finding it hard. Too hard. He began to speak out loud, as though speaking to her. "Why have you left me?" he whispered, trying to stop his tears from falling. "Why have you left me alone? I don't think I can make it through this without you. I miss you so much, Hayley," he said, the tears were flowing freely now. He could not stop them. "I can't believe you're gone. I often felt as though you were one of the only good things in my life. You made me forget who I was meant to be, and made me who I was. How can I be the person I want to be without you there?" he asked. He was not expecting answers; he was not that foolish. He simply wished that she could be here with him, and maybe voicing his feelings wouldn't be such a bad thing.

"It is the little things I remember that make me miss you most. I miss waking up in a morning and you not being there in our bed. I reach out for you and feel only coldness and that harsh reality is no way to start a day. Each morning I am hit by the fact that you are gone, and that you are never coming back.

"I cannot stop thinking of you, and I don't want to, but it is making my life too painful. It is as though every tiny breath hurts, and each day I feel my heart breaking more when I realise you are not going to return. You have not gone out to the shops and I won't find you in the kitchen, or the sitting room or the study. I can hear your voice, and the funny things you used to say, which makes me want to laugh but the laughter is bitter in my mouth, without you by my side. Each gentle breeze is your voice, whispering in my ear. I walk into the living room and see you curled up on our sofa, where you are meant to be, fast asleep with a book open on your knees.

"I miss your touch, your voice and your smell. It is already fading from my memory and I feel so guilty for forgetting you so soon. I struggle to recall your face and I know that I should be able to. I love you, I love you so much, but all of a sudden, it doesn't matter, because love can't bring you back, and it couldn't save you.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there," he whispered and remembered the anger.

_ i Remus sent yet another spark flying towards the man hunched in a pile in the middle of the floor. The sparks hit what seemed to be an invisible cage, holding its prisoner captive, causing huge ripples of electricity to sparkle and strike the man in the middle. He let out a scream of pain._

"_Tell me what she'd found out," Remus shouted. "I know it was important, she wasn't stupid and she wouldn't have just gone off on her own if it was pointless. What did she find out?" repeated Remus, his voice had become so low and menacing it sounded more like a growl._

_His questioning was answered by only more silence. He was getting no further and he knew it, yet he would not stop. He was slowly becoming desperate. "One more chance! What did she find out?" The man did not answer, but let out a wail of despair knowing what was to come._

_For a moment Remus almost pitied the man. Almost. How could he ever pity the man that had led the love of his life to her death? All he had to think of was her face as she lay there, cold and still, with a look of pure terror on her face before he hated the man once more._

_Reeling with both pain and anger he threw back his hand, ready to send yet more sparks at the cage and was just about to vent all his fury on the man in front of him when a voice spoke from behind him. He had not even heard the door open._

"Remus."

_He had recognised the voice instantly as one of his best friends but there was a different tone to his voice, one full of a pity he was beginning to grow accustomed to, yet it still pulled at his heart and tore him apart inside. The sound of his name alone, said in such pitying tones brought back the memories of the previous day. It was enough. He broke down and crumpled to his knees, his shoulders hunched and head hung low. His hands clutched at his head as though trying to block out the thoughts that were so clearly tearing him up inside. Through the sobs emanating from his seemingly crushed body he began to speak._

He turned a fraction and looked miserably over his shoulder at one of his best friends. "She's gone, James. She's gone." He said simply, as though he had explained everything, and somehow, in those few words, he had. James did not know what to say and could only look upon his friends crumpled figure in pity. "One of the only good things in my life and she's gone. She meant the world to me and I'd give the world to have her back, but I can't. There's nothing I can do. I'm meant to carry on with my life as though nothing has happened but I don't know how to live without her. I can't live without her."

_James looked on in pity. He had never seen his friend like this before. Through all the pain they had been through, losing so many family members and friends, nothing compared to how he was reacting to Hayley's death. _

"Remus," James said again. The situation had caused him to revert to using his friend's first name, which did not happen often, especially with Remus. He did not know what else to say. He couldn't even begin to imagine how he would feel if it had been Lily in Hayley's place, and for that he was glad, though the guilt he felt at thinking it was immense. He stood and watched his friend weep. He was making no attempt to regain his composure and it did not bother James at all. He could not help but think, and not for the first time, how lucky he was. To think that grief could do this to a normally calm and reserved man was beyond James' belief. That Remus had gone from anger to despair in a matter of seconds, and that all it had taken was one word was beyond his comprehension. He sighed. "I don't know what to say. How can I offer advice when I have no idea what you're going through? I have no Idea how you're feeling."

_And so for the first time in days, Remus looked one of his friends in the eye so that James could see the sadness that filled them and the tears that lately he was always on the edge of shedding. "You want to know how it feels?" he asked, almost angrily. He continued, though his friend had not answered him. "It feels as though my heart has been ripped out. It feels as though I'll never feel love like that again, and yet it is expected that I will move on, as though unaffected. It is a struggle to get out of bed in a morning, never mind work, as everything seems pointless. What is the use in living, when all I have lived for is gone? The pain is almost unbearable. Though I know in my heart that it is not what she would have wanted, that she would have wanted me to continue living, all I can think about is following her._

"_And through all this pain and sadness, there is another feeling, one of anger. Anger at her for leaving me, for leaving on her own, for not fighting, though I know she would have fought with no restraint. I'm angry at her for leaving me, for not staying with me, but most of all I'm angry at myself." Tears were flowing continually down his cheeks now and still he was making no attempt to stop them. All James could do was watch, still not understanding, and he doubted he ever would unless he experienced this himself, and he prayed that he never would. "I should have been there. I should have stayed. I could have stopped her leaving and then this would not have happened. But I couldn't, because of what I am. I am a werewolf, and it is almost as though that was not enough. That not being able to work and live a normal life was not enough punishment for whatever wrong I have done. They had to take away my one pleasure in life. Her, and for that I will never forgive them, or myself." _

_James walked slowly over to where Remus sat sobbing, avoided the man that everyone hated, and crouched down to Remus' level. "Remus," he said again quietly, as though he thought any loud noises would completely crush the friend in front of him. "Remus, I don't know what to say. I really don't. I can't even say that I know what you're feeling because I honestly don't and I can't begin to imagine what it would be like for me if it had been Lil," he swallowed, clearly holding back tears. "But I do know this: Hayley would not have wanted you to harm anyone. Don't let this drive you into a pit of despair so deep you can't ever find your way out. We want you to know we're here for you if you want to talk, or even just sit with us, any of us. But don't push us away, and don't blame yourself. You of all people should know that there was nothing you would have been able to do, that any of us would have been able to do, so there's no good to come of sitting thinking of should-haves and could-have-beens. Think on it."_

Remus looked his friends in the eye so that James could see the sadness that filled them. "Thank you," he muttered and James simply nodded.

"_Hey, what are friends for?" and with that, James, having achieved what he went in there for, stood up and walked out, pausing only once to give Remus another reassuring nod and then left._

_Remus' eyes followed him out. He took a deep breath in an attempt to calm him self down and then stood up. He took one look at the man curled up in the middle of the room and felt a wave of shame wash over him and he was glad James had came in when he had, but still he could not forgive the man and did not think he ever would._

_He turned and walked out of the room to face his friends, which somehow he knew would be waiting on the other side of the door. /i _

Remus looked at nothing in particular. He had been doing this a lot lately. He couldn't think straight without her by his side. A cold wind blew and swept his unkempt hair about his drawn, pale face. The sky was darkening and it looked as though there would be a storm soon. He smiled slightly, the tears slowing, remembering a storm not so long ago, when his life had taken a turn for the better. He would never forget that night and he would never be able to thank Sirius enough for telling him to follow her outside. How different things would have been if he hadn't. i _Maybe I wouldn't be feeling like this, /i _he found himself thinking, and instantly regretted the thought ever having come to his head. He would feel like this for an eternity for those few perfect years they had been able to spend together so happily. She had made everything easier. He had loved her, he still did and he always would. He knew that life would have been no better now, even if he hadn't followed her. He knew that without his friends, he would not have gotten though this. It was easy to forget that they too had lost a friend.

_ i "We loved her too," Sirius insisted. "Remus, you cannot think that you are the only one hurting. We all knew and loved her for a long time. Lily was her best friend. You are not the only one who has lost someone. Hayley was like a sister to me. I was always there for her, whenever she needed me. You're not the only one who wasn't there, Remus. None of us were with her when we should have been." Remus' expression hardened and upon seeing this, Sirius seemed to realise what he had said. "I didn't…you know I didn't-"Sirius tried to explain, feeling guilty about having made Remus feel worse._

"_I know," Remus cut in, his expression softening slightly. "She was pregnant," he blurted. _

"_I…we didn't know," Sirius whispered, feeling that this was not nearly adequate enough and also feeling worse about his previous comment._

"_We were going to get married and we were going to have a baby. We hadn't told anyone about the pregnancy in case things were going to be difficult, what with my condition. I have not lost just her; I have lost my future. We had everything planned. Everything would be perfect, as soon as the war ended. But it didn't end soon enough. It took her from me and all my hopes are shattered. I miss her so much," he cried. "I miss her more than you can understand."_

_All Sirius could do was look at him. There was nothing he could say to him that could possibly make him feel better. He truly could not comprehend what he was going through, all he could do was offer his support. "We loved her too," Sirius repeated, trying to make Remus understand. _

_He walked away, leaving Remus to his thoughts. /i _

Fresh tears began to fall down his face. He knew he could not continue like this. He would lose his friends and job if he could not pull himself together. They did not mean as much to him as she did, but she was not coming back and so he needed whatever else he could get.

The rain began to fall, and there was a deep rumble of thunder. A few seconds later, lightning flashed across the sky, lighting up beautifully. i _It doesn't mean that I don't love her anymore, /i _ he told himself. I I will always love her. _But I cannot live the rest of my life like this, and I know it is not what she would have wanted_. /i He looked to the head of her grave, to the marble headstone that had been placed there.

center i "It is better to go out with a bang than to fade away" 

_Rest in Peace_

_Hayley Jones_

_Loving Friend, Devoted Fiancée, Amazing Witch._

"_Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently"_

_1960-1981 /i /center _

i "Mother" should have been on that grave, /i he thought. i She would have made an excellent mother. /i "It wasn't her time!" he shouted angrily. "You took her, and we weren't ready. She had so much more to give. So much more to live for, and you took her away. You took her away," he sobbed. "I love you. I love you with all my heart," he whispered to her one last time. "I promise you, I will never forget you and what you did for me." 

He rose slowly and a single red rose appeared in his hand. He stood there, silent for a moment before suddenly dropping the rose. It drifted slowly down to the bottom of her headstone and after watching it fall, he turned and walked away without looking back and was almost immediately enveloped by the dense rain. He had walked once more into the storm, to begin his life again.


End file.
